Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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