Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
