Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
