I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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