Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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