My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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