I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
