what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
