Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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