There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
