We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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