Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He? As in you personified your dick?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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