Michael Bay diarrhea
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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