it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
