We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
