Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
