i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
