halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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