so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
