Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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