Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
another moral hangover. fuck.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
