I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
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White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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