You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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