Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
