dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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