I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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