I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
