it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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