if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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