Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
