I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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