I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
