the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
