Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
not ubering you a puppy
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato