i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went