Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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