Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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