i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
