you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
