I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
he just fucked me for my cheese..
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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