Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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