I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
