gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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