I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
