If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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