if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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