Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
