I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I can't turn off my feet"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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