All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
