This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
