His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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