sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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