My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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