If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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