Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
