I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize