I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
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According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
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But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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