You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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