my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
