1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
