My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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